Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
