Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's official drugs can't kill me
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
