I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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