i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
