This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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