I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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