he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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