Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
