If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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