saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
