i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize