I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
