Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
