Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
