I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
