he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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