Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
