he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
