Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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