Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize