No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
