I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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