i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
