I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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