Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
