new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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