My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
