My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
