Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
