I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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