I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
