lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
