By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
