It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
