You smell like stripper and shame
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize