go do what you do best...puke behind churches
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
