I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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