dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
