I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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