Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
