$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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