It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
