Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
