I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
