The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
