I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
