Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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