Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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