I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
