dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
