we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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