she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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