If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
