there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
