we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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