So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
