last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
