I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
