Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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