sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Come on in and take your pants off
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